What I Fear Most

My struggle with insomnia and BPD and MDD has led me to have many fears beyond the norm.

I fear judgment at grocery stores, I fear spiders, I fear losing loved ones and I fear not being able to say goodbye. But my major fear is not dying myself but it would have to be being abandoned and basically being numbed my medication.

BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder and MDD stands for Major Depressive Disorder. These to conditions make it impossible for me to stay energized as they exhaust me and they also make it impossible for me to have a normal sleep schedule. I struggle with binge eating to and have had 25 suicide fantasies and 5 attempts. It can be hard to talk about. Being abandoned when I was 4,5 and then when I was in boarding school at 16, then graduated and barely anyone visits me. Also when I finished two years of university and then none of my family would help me finish my degree. I was a foster kid because my mom and dad abandoned me and did not take responsibility.

My brother and sister believed my mothers lies and they also abandoned me as an adult shortly after buying my home. After buying my home I lost everyone in my family except my grandma out of jealousy and resentment. So 3 years of struggles later and I sold it.

My grandparents bought it and they chose to hold onto it to hold over my head. They thought my life was good enough and I shouldn’t want more. I think owning a home is never worth more than being unique and doing something rewarding in your life.

Your value doesn’t come from what you own

It comes from who you are on a character level not a fake face

Learn this fast because I promise you will be empty if you expect things to make you feel better. Invest into your future that’s more important. Never stay still

Truly Shaylabobala

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